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F*** Today

The alarm chirrups like earrache. It’s 6.45am.

I’ve had 3 hours sleep.

F*** today.

I’m ready and left by half past seven

I rush for the bus, thank God I got it

But when I sat down there was a hole in my trousers

F*** today.

“We don’t want to do sports day.

We don’t like golf and we don’t like the red team-

We’re. No. Daein’ it.”

That’s fine you pair of wee toerags.

You can do a boring workout with me

I’ll wait you out. You’ll break

Before I do.

F*** today.

I have the chest infection

That just won’t quit.

F*** today.

“Haw haw haw Miss McQuarter To Twelve.”

Haw haw haw you wee c***

Sit down in your seat and shut your face

You’re not Billy Connolly

F*** today.


I have to break up yet another fight in the playground.

Jeremy Kyle show at the school gate.

Yelling for mammy

Because some other wee boot

Had the gaul to annoy you?

F*** today.

-Get down from that wall,

You’re not funny and you’re not clever-

“I’m telling my Mum you said I wasn’t clever”

Are you serious?

F*** today.

After work, I had to apply for a loan

For September.

Already stressed oot ma nut.

F*** today.

Paranoia creeps and then I

Have to sit through a family meal

Without screaming the whole restaurant down

Full conversations zoned out

Today has been a spoon tapping at my boiled egg head

Today has been one layer of sh**cake after another

Until it’s a big mudcake pie of sh**

With a sh**ey glace cherry on top

Today has called for a very strong brandy

Because why else do rescue dogs have it?

And just to top it off,

I’ve found out that my favourite TV show has been cancelled.

F*** today!

F*** today!


Originally published in Poetry In The Time of Coronavirus Anthology #1 (April 2020). A charity anthology to raise money for Doctors Without Borders and Partners In Health. You might be able to buy a paperback copy on Amazon but it was a limited print run as far as I'm aware.

Donate to Doctors Without Borders here:

Donate to Partners in Health here:

This is a poem I've performed for years and I always say the swears when I'm performing this, but thought I'd censor it for the website.

Original order link here:

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